just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
