i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
