He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
