Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
