Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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