you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize