I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
