bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
