beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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