Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
