Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize