i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
