listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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