I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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