I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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