Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize