I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
