overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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