I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
