I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize