I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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