Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Be still, my beating vagina.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
