she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You need Xanax blowdarts
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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