My sheets look like a crime scene.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
