I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
