Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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