I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
