two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
