So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
