i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
