fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
