Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i drank out of a bidet.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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