Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
