3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
