if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
