I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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