tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
