when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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