first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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