Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
