I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
