Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
