Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
