Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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