I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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