Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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