Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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