I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
