Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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