Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
