Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
