I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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