Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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