my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
