You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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