I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
we should paint friendship bongs
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
