I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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