dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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